Being

To break out, like the waves at sea

To fly happily, like the yellow butterfly

12:55 AM; Sreya’s bed

“Its okay, did not expect that you will stalk me and then apologise for that! Be a little more respectful next time.”

“Shit! I did not mean to be rude.” After the 20th attempt, Sreya drafted the text. She was not able to understand how she should respond. She was feeling good inside that Aakash texted her, but was not able to comprehend why she felt that way. At the same time, she was a bit disappointed also for his behaviour, earlier in the evening. She was unable to get in terms with her feelings.

With mixed emotions, this was all that she could respond. It was rude. “I don't know if he will respond to me. He is already an arrogant boy. My text will definitely hurt his ego! Should I apologise with a second text?”

Sreya is a beautiful girl, by appearance as well as by her personality. But she never took advantage of that. A lot of boys had approached her since her school days. She never liked anyone and was strong to express herself so that those guys never bothered her again. She never ever thought about love or her feelings. But this time, it was different. She could not understand why she was feeling bad, being rude to Aakash. She could not understand why she was feeling good, thinking about Aakash.

Sreya tried to divert herself and started thinking about the anatomy class next day. “I like anatomy, the lectures, the professor, my batchmates. I liked this evening. I liked when Aakash messaged me. Wait what?” Her thoughts have again drifted towards Aakash. “What is happening to my senses?”

1:30 AM; Balcony

For the last 10 minutes, Sreya was fighting with herself. She was constantly thinking, if Aakash would respond or not. Next moment, she wanted to smash his face, for being a disrespectful and arrogant boy. Again the next moment - “It was so sweet of him to apologise. Oh, so is he stalking me?” Her thoughts constantly went back to his cherry red shirt. “He was looking smart, and sweet? I find a boy to be sweet!!” Her head was thumping now. “Why is he not responding? How long should I wait?”

The next moment, Sreya decided to text him, against her nature. She will apologise for being rude, and then would block him. She does not want her focus to be diverted. She reached out for her phone, opened the app and saw, Aakash typing….

Sreya waited for him to finish, with butterflies in her stomach.. the yellow ones, her favourite. 

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Hope

The moonbeam wounding the forest dark;
the night’s reticence ruffled by a skylark

11:30 PM; Desolated broadways

The car’s engine and the headlight were the only two animated objects breaking the silence along the never engine stretch of the highway. The silver moonlight through the roadside trees casted a hallucinating effect; the orangish red light of the car’s dashboard added to the illusive ambience; the speedometer clocked 115 kph. Perfect setup, but today Aakash was not mindful of this platonic atmosphere!

Some 100 KMs from his home, Aakash’s parents cajoled him to attend the wedding, with the promise of good food at the reception. Aakash loved weddings – for the food; and for the girls draped in sarees. He was checking out the girls, when he saw Sreya. The moment was ethereal. He immediately started crushing on her.

He followed her all throughout the evening, ordered the mint flavoured blues lagoon – he hated mint – with hope that she will notice him. When nothing worked, he approached her, and casually asked for a date. Aakash never dared to go to this extent with any of his crushes. He was content to check them out from a distant. But this time it was different.

Aakash was remorse. He was feeling guilty of committing such an act. He is very respectful of girls, but somehow, tonight, he could not control his emotions. With guilt prevailing, he drove on, not mindful of his surroundings. His home was not too far away now. He wanted to reach as soon as possible and be left alone.

12:20 AM; Balcony

After reaching home, the first thing he did was to search for Sreya in Facebook and drop her an apology. He could sense her anger and embarrassment, but this is the best thing he could do now. He was wondering why he was feeling so much remorse, why he was frequently checking his mobile and hoping for a response from Sreya. “Why do I want to talk to you so much? Why do I want another opportunity to see you and have a memorable conversation?”  

He checked his mobile again. Sreya has read the message, but he is not expecting her to respond. This is making Aakash all the more remorse. “What she might be thinking about me? Will she reply to my message? Will she burst out?” Aakash wanted her to burst out, he will feel better and will be his salvation his immature behaviour. The streetlights were not glowing, they have also desolated him. The tree looked darker and solitary against the feeble moonlight. Aakash was feeling lonely.

He checked his messenger again. His heart got filled with a mixed emotion of happiness, anxiety, fear when he saw – Sreya is typing. Hope is not lost.

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Flaw

The soft crease on an ironed shirt

The gentle sputter when a motor starts

The fog cutting through spring mornings

The guilt hidden in the noblest of heart

12:20 AM; Sreya’s room

“How cheap of him to ask me out on the very first day!!” Sreya was furious. She was literally shaking with anger when that boy – “what was his name? Yes, Akash” – casually came and offered a date. “How could he?”

“He was constantly checking me out.” Sreya tried to ignore him the entire evening, but his eyes were following her wherever she was going. “Even he deliberately asked for mint flavored blue lagoon when I ordered one at the mock tail counter. He was stalking me!!”

Angry and exhausted, Sreya took the phone from her bedside table & opened Facebook. “What the bloody hell! He has dared to send me friend request on Facebook so soon!” She saw a notification in her messenger, she could not believe her eyes! There is even a message from Akash.

Sreya has had enough. She is not going to tolerate this. She has already decided to find out who he is from her family and going to let this incident known to all. She will embarrass him in front of everyone.

This guy, with his somewhat long messy hair and rimless spects, was following her. He was wearing moccasin, sign of a lazy person. He cherry red color shirt’s sleeves were folded absent-mindedly; who folds sleeves on a formal occasion?! “No dressing sense”. He kept biting his nails, “so unhygienic! How could he think that he could speak to me? That also ask me out on the very first day? Send me friend request and message me on messenger?”

Sreya was furious. She kept aside her phone and closed her eyes to compose herself. “messy hair, rimless spects, moccasin, cherry red shirt, absent mindedly folded sleeves – WHAT THE HELL!” How did she notice so much? “When did I notice so much?”

“This guy don’t even know how to speak to a lady”. Aakash was direct in his approach. He came to Sreya and said, “I have been seeing you the entire evening; how “unreal” you look in that pinkish saree of yours’. I would like to have a chance of seeing you “real”, maybe in a salwar suit or jeans.” This was the pickup line. Sreya, being a near perfect idealistic girl, beautiful & descent, was furious in no time. He straightaway told Aakash to get lost. To this Aakash responded, “I have already lost myself”, turned towards his old, undusted car and drove off.

Sreya reran the entire evening in her mind. She suddenly jolted back to her senses. “Was I noticing him as well? How could I know what type of shoes he was wearing?”  There is not a single quality of Aakash that Sreya liked. But she did notice him. Her subconscious was playing with her. Her mind has stopped working, she doesn’t want to think any further. “He sent me a message. Let me see.”

She opened the message, it read “Sorry, I think I was being casual. I should have been more respectful while talking to you”.

Not everything with Aaksh is a FLAW.

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Silence of the Lambs

A silent night lit only by the moonlight; dark open fields on both sides of the road, sometimes rows of unknown trees with flashes of glittering silver on their leaves; and an unknown road under the full moon. Feel the air blowing through the hair. Lavishly elegant!!!

Sunday evvening @ 8:30PM. Stereotyped and lazy Sunday evening. Aakash had nothing do but wonder what to do.

Same evening @ 9PM. He was travelling at 50kmph on a bike along the unbent stretch of the highway. He and his friend took a fulminant decision to travel on some unknown roads. And so here they are, uncertain of the end of their unknown errand.

“When should we turn back”, his friend asked.

“See that distant road over there? We turn when that road meets ours”, replied Aakash through the rattling wind.

20mins into the journey, the road is becoming more and more marooned, and the journey exciting. Never before had Aakash gone on such a trip. He had only dreamed of something like this. An unruffled road, silent and spooky fields and a beautiful moon with chunks of white clouds surrounding it; the feeling is unexplainable. “You have to travel it to understand it.”

10 more minutes. They crossed a junction void of any human presence.  Going by the number of shops and an empty bus terminus, it can be easily said that it must be a busy place on normal days. But today it is nothing more than a forgotten territory. They stopped at a detour to ask the only human present what place that was. Aakash found it difficult to remember the name, so he decided not to try it. They lighted two cigars. There was a statue of some unknown and strange figure with his arms stretched at the juncture of the diversion. It appeared that the place was waiting for them. It was terribly silent and freakishly beautiful. Almost 9:45 and they decided, somewhat reluctantly, to turn back.

@ 10:10PM. They reached their hostel. It always happens that the return journey seems to take much shorter time after a beautiful trp. Today was no different.

“In our monotonous life, when we make vagabond excursions like this, we realize that life, in simple words, is good.” Somewhere, deep in his heart, Aakash was missing Sreya!!

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Reminiscence

Sunday, 30^th January, 2011 – Chennai

11:40PM: “Today, when I look from a distance, the things that I have left behind seems larger than life” – this has been Aakash’s best line for the last few months; and perhaps his worst time. Today he sits alone with his laptop, waiting for friends to ping him, or waiting for someone to reply to his ping. But his wait is never over. “Will it ever get over?”

Wednesday, 25^th August, 2010 – Chennai

11:00PM: Another hard day at office. Tired and drenched, Aakash returned home about 5 minutes back. He eluded his mom’s evening call. He thought to call her back after he has completed his work. But he forgot. He always forgets!

“Oh shit, Sreya!! I have to call Sreya. There were 12 missed calls from her. She must be waiting.” This is their seventh patch up phase. Distance had separated them and ultimately they broke off. After a break of one and a half months, they decided to patch up again. And what the mess he has made today. “I will never learn to maintain relationships!!” he groaned. Without wasting any time he dials her number. One full ring, no answer. Immediately he redials. Sreya picks up this time and in a sleepy voice says “Aakash, you returned?”

Relaxed by her calm voice, he replied: “Yes. Sorry I couldn’t call you today. Was having very tough time at office. “

Sreya: “I know. At least you could have called aunty. She was much tensed.”

Aakash: “She called you?”

Sreya: “Yes, only to find out whether you had called or not. Okay Aakash, I am very sleepy. Will hang up now. Talk to you tomorrow. And call aunty NOW. She is waiting for your call.”

Aakash: “Okay I will. Bye. Goodnight.”

Sreya: “Bye.”

11:15 PM: “Hello Ma. Sorry I forgot to call you.”

Ma: “No problem son. But don’t forget these small things. It will affect your relationships.”

..

..

..

Friday, 24^rd September, 2010 – Still in Chennai

2:00AM:

..

..

Sreya: (sobs) “…this is the third consecutive day that you didn’t call me.”

Aakash: “I really forgot. Work has become so hectic. I didn’t get any time at all. See I haven’t changed my clothes till now.”

Sreya: “Today also you would have forgotten to call me if I hadn’t.

Aakash: “No. I was about to call you.”

Sreya: “Aakash, don’t lie.”

Aakash: (silent)

Sreya: “See I can understand that you are having tough time at office. But please give at least 5 minutes for your family and friends. You even forget to call aunty!! When will you become responsible? When will you start caring for your loved ones?”

Aakash: (somewhat annoyed)” See Sreya who told you that I don’t love or care for my family and friends? Is it necessary to show?”

Sreya: “Yes it is. These small gestures build up relationships.”

Aakash: “I don’t understand you. Why do you always have to boss me in this matter?”

Sreya: “Because you are still immature.”

Aakash: “Maybe. And that is why it is getting difficult for me to maintain relationship with you. It is not possible for me to take extra burdens of routine calls. This distance is causing all the problems. See Sreya, I agree I forget to call you. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or care for you. And also I can’t promise to call you every time. If you can stay with me like this, then okay. It is getting difficult for me to continue this long distance relationship. “

Sreya: “Are you breaking up with me again?”

Aakash: “Maybe, yes. At least as long as I don’t return to Kolkata.”

Sreya: “Aakash, you are pathetic. You are selfish and mean. I hate you.”

Sreya cuts the phone and immediately Aakash realizes that he has crossed all limits. He cannot undo what he has done and also Sreya won’t listen to him now. She has been terrific all these days after their patch up. She understood, never fought with him. It was Aakash only who used to fight with her. And now he has messed up everything. He lost her, again.

Monday, 27^th December, 2010 – Kolkata (somewhere along the bank of Ganga)

Twilight: After a never ending wait of fifteen minutes, Sreya came and sat beside him. Aakash is on vacation leave and after some grueling efforts he has managed to convince Sreya to meet him for at least half an hour. After their final fight, they have spoken only thrice, the last one being Aakash’s effort to convince her to meet him.

Aakash: “I am sorry Sreya. I shouldn’t have told you all those rubbish things.”

Sreya: “Aakash, no use of your sorry now. I have decided. You will be better without me. At least ‘Sreya headache’ will go off your head. You won’t have the ‘extra burden” of that ’routine call’.”

Aakash: “Please Sreya don’t speak like that. I am here to mend everything for the final time.”

Sreya: “That’s what you told on our last patch up.”

Aakash: “umm… Sreya…”

Sreya: “Aakash let me get this clear. I am not ready to patch up with you now. I love you and I don’t want to disrespect it with words like ‘burden’ and ‘routine calls’. It is very tough for me to say this, but I mean it. You asked me to wait for you till you return. I will wait for you. You need not maintain long distance relationships anymore. Till then, goodbye.”

Aakash had nothing to say. He saw her royal blue dupatta disappear with the setting sun. The surrounding is becoming dark. Aakash sat there, alone. His folly has overcome his emotions.

Present day and time – Chennai

No reply from Sreya. Everyday Aakash pings her, eagerly expecting her something to say. But in vain. Today he is alone. The calls he thought to be “routines” were actually solace that he used to find after office. He has lost his solace, his love. Her sweet and charming voice at day’s end used to give him peace. All because of his incapability to maintain long distance relationships, he lost everything. Today he stares blankly at the white window of his chat box with a little picture of smiling Sreya at the left most corner of the window.

Hey, someone pinged… The tab read, “New Message from Sreya”

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